Still

The day my mom died, a part of me died with her. A part I don’t think I’ll ever get back. It was this deep and unrelenting sense of hope.

She struggled in life, we struggled together as a family but I always believed that life had much greater things in store for her and for us. I was wrong. And when she died, I realized that all the things I hoped for weren’t meant to be. So I had a hard time for a while, for a long time. And I’ll probably have a hard time forever, in trying to make sense of losing my mom when I had really barely just become an adult.

But today I feel hopeful. I finished my first year of grad school and my first few months of a job I really like. I have people who fill my life with happiness and purpose. I travel. I love. I live. I’m moving forward. Of course I love my mom and I miss her. But I’ve learned that the best way to honor her is to keep trying to stay hopeful, to keep….trying.

So, Happy Mother’s Day, mom. Thank you for giving me so much in life. And for continuing to guide me so much, after it.