A former professor who grew to be a close friend deleted me from Instagram recently. I made the mistake of asking her for a grad school recommendation on Facebook. It was an innocuous if somewhat naively annoying request on my part for her, I know. She scolded me for it. And sent me a few annoyed emails later on, which I decided to not respond to. She sent me a conciliatory message many months later. The next year, in fact. On January 1st. As if to say, ‘Not sure what happened there, but let’s move on’ We exchanged some messages through Facebook. Not about the recommendation really and not about her anger or mine. And we haven’t really spoken much since. So, she deleted me from Instagram. We’re still friends on Facebook though. It’s a confusing time.
A family member of my closest friends blocked me once, added me after and then recently deleted me again. He’s a teenager, so I guess that’s ok. It’s what they do I’m told.
A former friend hasn’t deleted me yet but makes a point to like all of a close family member’s social media posts and none of mine. I sent a text asking how life was going, after an admittedly long time of no communication, and the friend never responded to me. I guess our friendship was over and I didn’t realize it. I really want to delete them but haven’t yet.
That aforementioned close family member whose posts that friend likes? He posts nonstop on all social media platforms. He knows everyone and anyone apparently. But we barely know each other. He’s led a whole life I really know nothing about. And he could probably say the same of me. There’s so much that we don’t and haven’t said to each other in real life. So his nonstop social media whoring not only rubs me the wrong way but hurts me.
The rest of my family? I have an aunt who perpetually deletes me, a few others who always tell me how much they love me on any of my posts, some cousins who barely acknowledge me, and some long lost siblings who don’t care I exist. But I don’t really talk to any of them at all, don’t feel close to them and admittedly harbor deep seeded resentment towards them for the complicated nature of our relationships to each other.
These are the “friendships” that stand out but there’s others. Lots more, in fact. Hundreds even. We all have lots and lots of “friends”.
Until we don’t.
Social media is where relationships flourish under the guise of “likes”.
Until they get deleted.
I’ve been guilty too of what I’m criticizing, this frivolous friendship deleting. I deleted people who posted too much, or shared political views I didn’t agree with or who I realized I simply didn’t like very much.
After my mom died, I went on a deleting spree that included a former unrequited love and a few classmates who were always very kind to me. A lot of things felt meaningless after her death. Social media friendships most of all. I feel bad about it, in retrospect. But I was in a dark place. And I didn’t really care. A part of me still doesn’t.
But a very big part of me doesn’t know what to make of any of it.
Is social media a tool to connect with people from your past or is it a graveyard where relationships go to die?
I felt a deep sadness when I was scrolling Instagram recently. But I realize now that it wasn’t sadness. It was emptiness.
These “friendships” on social media are so disposable that they don’t really matter anymore. And if they don’t matter then why are we so consumed with it and them? Why do we care about ‘likes’ so much? Why do we care when someone un-friends us?
The people in my life: the ones who I see and talk to every day, the ones who are present and available to me emotionally and physically, that’s what should matter. And it does. I appreciate them.
But I can’t pretend that I don’t mourn the loss of old friends, colleagues, family members, or former professors on social media. Even though I probably shouldn’t. Even though we probably had nothing of value to provide each other anymore.
In real life, sometimes relationships flourish. And many times they die. It’s a natural cycle of the human experience.
And that’s ok.
But, the reason I feel empty when I scroll through posts is because I have all these “friends” but they don’t feel like friends. Because with a simple click, they’re gone forever. And maybe that’s where they should have stayed to begin with, when we moved past the stage of life that brought us together in the first place.
The reason I feel empty when I scroll through posts is because I understand now that on social media, relationships can end just like they do in real life.
But social media is founded on this idea, that they never ended at all.
And maybe that was the problem to begin with.
Madonna Writes 
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