It’s Been Ten Years

I have this recurring dream where my mom lies to me about her whereabouts and then goes missing. In my dreams, she never really died. She had a nervous breakdown and has been avoiding everyone ever since.  I feel relief, in them, to know she’s still “here” but deeply hurt by the realization that she won’t see me. I call her and try to come see her at the mental hospital. All to no avail.

She’s been avoiding me in my dreams.

She won’t talk to me.

She won’t look at me.

It’s been 10 years in June.

In one dream when I called and spoke to her, she told me that she was on her way home. I believed her. The phone I talked to her with was an old boxy red one I used to have in college, from Virgin Mobile. It seemed real.  She lied, as it turns out. So I was upset. Time passed and she still never came back. She didn’t want me to find her.  She was vague, short tempered and distant when we spoke. I couldn’t understand why she was upset with me.

She’s been missing in my dreams ever since she died. But I used to be able to find her and we would have teary reunions where I told her that I thought she was gone forever and I missed her so much. That doesn’t happen anymore.

Am I losing her? Is she missing inside of me?

Please come back, mom. I wish you would.