Once

The Unrequited Crush

I had a dream the other night and in it we finally got a chance to talk. I haven’t seen you since 2005. A literal lifetime ago. I wasn’t sure why I dreamt of you because the truth is that I let go of the idea of you a long time ago.

But if there’s a chance that you’re reading this, I was wondering if you want to talk. Just to catch up and meet each other as adults, rather than as young, stupid teenagers.

I guess my mind just wanted to reminisce about that once upon a time when I travelled to a land far far away with grey skies and thick air. I didn’t know the language and even less about the culture. There’s so much that has stayed with me about that time there. But perhaps nothing more than you.

I wonder if you remember meeting at orientation, or that time I ate yogurt on the floor and you said how cute I was, or that time in Adam’s room when there was a party and you sat next to me and we joked about disney, or that time after I realized I liked you and we took the elevator together alone but the tension in the air felt so thick, or how we always laughed as if we were the only two people in the room, or how when I met your mom she told me that you had talked about me so much.

I wonder if you ever liked me too? Or was it all in my head?

Do you remember that when I came back home, we talked on the phone all the time. And emailed too. In one email, I told you that I liked you and then I didn’t hear anything back for months. Do you remember that we eventually spoke on the phone again and you said you’d come visit me but I said no. I think I did that because I was scared. I pushed you away the way you had done to me.

Then I deleted you from social media because I figured there wasn’t a chance we’d ever speak again and I was going through some things. It wasn’t just you I deleted.

I sent a message once and never heard back. I heard that you lived in NYC for a time but maybe you never liked me as much as I liked you. So we might as well have lived on different planets. We were always from such different worlds anyway.

Did you feel that thing between us the way that I did back then? It was a once in a lifetime thing and even if I saw you again, I doubt we’d be able to recapture it. But life is funny so you never know. Maybe sometimes things happen once and then they can happen again.