Exhale

The Art of Letting Go

I ‘ve lived in my apartment since I was 8 years old. But a strange thing has been happening. I finally feel ready to leave it. To move out of it. And the opportunity could present itself soon to do just that. That makes me happy. But it’s not just that. I’m not only ready to leave the only home I’ve ever really known for most of my life but of a lot of other things too.

I have a tendency to hold on to things for dear life: people, hobbies, and feelings.

I’ve spent my adult life hopelessly loyal to my friends. And now they’re moving into normal, settled, adult stages of their lives. And I’m not. They’re moving on to things, people, and places that just don’t interest me. But that’s ok. It really is. I’m ok with us changing into different people without each other. It’s long overdue.

I’m a pretty loyal person in other ways too. I’m a Mets fan, which I think says more about me than I’d like to admit. What kind of person stays hopelessly devoted to a team as mystifyingly bad as the New York Mets? You have to be a little bit of a masochist. A glutton for punishment. A person who finds joy in the small victories….because well, that’s all you’ve got. That’s the type of person I am. The one who watches every game of a losing season because it’ll be that much sweeter when they don’t suck. Which is usually never.

I’ve been hanging onto this apartment I live in too. Especially since my mom died in it. I felt that it was important for me to hold onto it because it was all I had left of her. But that’s not true anymore. I’ve learned that it’s not about anything I possess, it’s about who I am. That’s how I hold onto her. It took me 13 years to realize that.

I held on to a relationship past it’s expiration date. And it hurt us both deeply . By the time it was over, both of us were suffering in ways we didn’t even realize. But I held on because I saw the value in this person. I saw their worth and specialness. I loved them still. But that love wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t see it though.

It’s taken me my whole life to realize that I don’t have to be fiercely loyal in order to get love back. Or to prove the depth of my own love. That’s not how this works. Things happen when they’re supposed to and people come and go when life dictates they need to. People will love you or they won’t. Hanging on for dear life won’t change a damn thing.

You know how when you’re anxious or stressed and you don’t realize it but your shoulders raise a little higher? Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to protect you from the punches life is throwing at you. The ones that are both real and imagined. When someone reminds you to relax and loosen your shoulders is when you realize that they were tense to begin with. I’ve realized that my shoulders have been tense for a really long time and for a whole lot of reasons.

So I’m going to let go, and let the chips fall where they may. Leave things and people behind. That doesn’t mean I have to stop being loyal. But maybe just stop allowing my mental and emotional health to hinge on that loyalty. I don’t have to be devoted to someone or something to be worth something. I don’t have to hold on to a friend, an apartment, or even a team. I can let go of the hold these things have over me so I can have a hold over myself finally.

I’m ready to take a deep breath and do just that. To finally exhale.

Except if the Mets win the World Series. Then all bets are off.